I will now make a to-do list I can refer to anytime when feeling bored, lonely and/or depressed, which will inevitably happen over and over again this summer. When I don't feel like doing something from this list, I pledge to expand the list by at least one number.
Number 1: Dice
I will buy a pair of six-sided dice. On the first di, I will put the letters N, E, S, and W. The other will be a regular di. I will then roll the first di, and that will determine the direction I drive in. The number on the second di will determine the number of miles I drive in that direction. I will roll three times. When I get there, I will take pictures of it. Then I will drive home. If the first di lands on a blank spot, it will function as a skip.
This will be an ever-growing list.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Patterns?
Hmm.
Okay, maybe it's just coincidence. Or maybe I just have enough arguments in my head that the odds of it popping up are high.
The first time:
There was a show at Dry River. No one I knew was going to be there, for sure. But I decided to go anyway. That may not seem big to you, but I don't usually take my chances socially like that. It was on the back of a truck on Speedway right before I turned onto Main Street.
The second time:
I decided to go to Flagstaff, once again, and stay with my friend Gary. I also was visiting Jessi, which was probably a bad decision. But I wanted to see what NAU University life was like, kind of. And I had to get the hell out of my apartment. But there it was, facing me dead on, stuck on the truck I parked next to the second I arrived in Flagstaff.
The third time (tonight):
I sat in my apartment looking at Monty Python videos on YouTube and realized I wasn't going to get any of my math homework done. No, I'm not going to fail math again. Not a fourth time. But it's already 9:30. Maybe if I ride my bike to the U of A library I can get it done there. If I ride my bike I can get some exercise and be stuck there and HAVE to do it. But no, I'd have to ride back at least by 2:30am. That can't be safe, not in this town. People get hurt. But I can't fail. And fuck that, no, I refuse to live in fear. This is my city, too. I have to force myself to do it. It's the right thing to do. And I really can't fail. But I woke up so early this morning. I'll be too exhausted to take the test tomorrow. But... That's it, I'm doing it.
And when I got to the library, I sat down, and there it was again, sitting right in front of me, glaring, on the back of some dude's laptop:
THE STICKER.
It follows me.
I must be crazy.
There must be a pattern. No.
It's definitely chance. But if it's chance I should probably stop thinking about it.
But two of the three times they were on trucks.
And two of the three times they were at universities.
Two of the three times they had to do with my social life.
Two of the three times they had to do with my academic life.
But three of the three times have all been after I have answered myself this question: Well, should I fucking do it, or what?
I don't know why, but at that moment I decided to text as many people as I could think of and ask what they were thinking at that moment. Responses:
"I love this video. I'm so happy."
"Grandpas are mean."
"I wonder why Martha Stewart never gets asked much about prison by talk show hosts."
"I'm sort of dating this guy. I'm thinking about him."
"Thinkin about talkin to this girl."
"Photography."
"What jewelry to wear to my wedding."
"I was thinking about setting Twitter up on my phone."
"Pizza."
"My grandpa was a drunk but I love him."
Does that have anything to do with anything?
Probably not.
But... I don't know.
I'm going to sleep.
Okay, maybe it's just coincidence. Or maybe I just have enough arguments in my head that the odds of it popping up are high.
The first time:
There was a show at Dry River. No one I knew was going to be there, for sure. But I decided to go anyway. That may not seem big to you, but I don't usually take my chances socially like that. It was on the back of a truck on Speedway right before I turned onto Main Street.
The second time:
I decided to go to Flagstaff, once again, and stay with my friend Gary. I also was visiting Jessi, which was probably a bad decision. But I wanted to see what NAU University life was like, kind of. And I had to get the hell out of my apartment. But there it was, facing me dead on, stuck on the truck I parked next to the second I arrived in Flagstaff.
The third time (tonight):
I sat in my apartment looking at Monty Python videos on YouTube and realized I wasn't going to get any of my math homework done. No, I'm not going to fail math again. Not a fourth time. But it's already 9:30. Maybe if I ride my bike to the U of A library I can get it done there. If I ride my bike I can get some exercise and be stuck there and HAVE to do it. But no, I'd have to ride back at least by 2:30am. That can't be safe, not in this town. People get hurt. But I can't fail. And fuck that, no, I refuse to live in fear. This is my city, too. I have to force myself to do it. It's the right thing to do. And I really can't fail. But I woke up so early this morning. I'll be too exhausted to take the test tomorrow. But... That's it, I'm doing it.
And when I got to the library, I sat down, and there it was again, sitting right in front of me, glaring, on the back of some dude's laptop:
THE STICKER.
It follows me.
I must be crazy.
There must be a pattern. No.
It's definitely chance. But if it's chance I should probably stop thinking about it.
But two of the three times they were on trucks.
And two of the three times they were at universities.
Two of the three times they had to do with my social life.
Two of the three times they had to do with my academic life.
But three of the three times have all been after I have answered myself this question: Well, should I fucking do it, or what?
I don't know why, but at that moment I decided to text as many people as I could think of and ask what they were thinking at that moment. Responses:
"I love this video. I'm so happy."
"Grandpas are mean."
"I wonder why Martha Stewart never gets asked much about prison by talk show hosts."
"I'm sort of dating this guy. I'm thinking about him."
"Thinkin about talkin to this girl."
"Photography."
"What jewelry to wear to my wedding."
"I was thinking about setting Twitter up on my phone."
"Pizza."
"My grandpa was a drunk but I love him."
Does that have anything to do with anything?
Probably not.
But... I don't know.
I'm going to sleep.
Monday, April 6, 2009
A Small Discovery
The summer after I got out of the Ranch I made the only mistake I still regret. A video camera case full of old video tapes, tapes taken from 5th grade to my Junior year of high school, were stolen from the closet at my dad's house. I regret not protecting those tapes like my dear life depended on it. Growing up, I was always the kid with the video camera capturing every moment of my upbringing - from my first movies with action figures, to the first time Tony and I got caught smoking pot, to me running around my backyard on mushrooms - I tried to capture everything.
While I was at the Ranch, in order to graduate, we had to progress through a series of four different levels. To make it to the next level, we had to give a presentation reflecting the progression of our recovery. For my Level 4 presentation, I decided to edit together a movie of a typical high school night for me. From the old camera bag, I stumbled upon a tape of one single Friday night, recorded mostly from my perspective, though I do appear for a few seconds here and there...
Well, I was browsing through an old hard drive of mine tonight and came across that very video. It is the only existing footage from that bag of tapes. I was stunned in a way. I had forgotten how different things had been. I mean, there are friends of mine who are already dead in it. Gosh, it didn't even seem that long ago. The video starts off with my good friend Keegan and I, sitting in the room Robby and I shared at my dad's house. Robby and Jessica are playing Mario Kart. We leave to go to Gray's. Then Mike's. Robby gives me money to buy him liquor. Back to Gray's. We steal Robby's alcohol. Back to my house. Back to Gray's...
I think the most amazing part of the video is it shows the natural deterioration of the night. It starts off kind of fun, aside me being depressed about Jessica... but then everybody gets so fucked up they start yelling at each other. It's kind of sad, really. The whole video ends with my friend Scott giving a monologue, which he used to do a lot, and shows the backward-ass justification of why we all did what we did...
Anyway. I was kind of blown away. I thought I would share it with you. That's what blogs are for, after all, right? Anyway. Here you go:
While I was at the Ranch, in order to graduate, we had to progress through a series of four different levels. To make it to the next level, we had to give a presentation reflecting the progression of our recovery. For my Level 4 presentation, I decided to edit together a movie of a typical high school night for me. From the old camera bag, I stumbled upon a tape of one single Friday night, recorded mostly from my perspective, though I do appear for a few seconds here and there...
Well, I was browsing through an old hard drive of mine tonight and came across that very video. It is the only existing footage from that bag of tapes. I was stunned in a way. I had forgotten how different things had been. I mean, there are friends of mine who are already dead in it. Gosh, it didn't even seem that long ago. The video starts off with my good friend Keegan and I, sitting in the room Robby and I shared at my dad's house. Robby and Jessica are playing Mario Kart. We leave to go to Gray's. Then Mike's. Robby gives me money to buy him liquor. Back to Gray's. We steal Robby's alcohol. Back to my house. Back to Gray's...
I think the most amazing part of the video is it shows the natural deterioration of the night. It starts off kind of fun, aside me being depressed about Jessica... but then everybody gets so fucked up they start yelling at each other. It's kind of sad, really. The whole video ends with my friend Scott giving a monologue, which he used to do a lot, and shows the backward-ass justification of why we all did what we did...
Anyway. I was kind of blown away. I thought I would share it with you. That's what blogs are for, after all, right? Anyway. Here you go:
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
A Day From Weeks Ago
I was bored again tonight.
I called Corey. Nothing was going on. He said he'd call me back if he found something.
And I was depressed because I didn't do anything last night except sit alone in my apartment and record music.
I sometimes feel guilty for not calling my friends because I more-or-less base the decision of what I do on the odds of me meeting a girl.
I decided to go on a bike ride, which is becoming more and more common for me. I just can't sit around sometimes. I think it has to do with this crazy feeling that if I don't do new things I am not progressing. Why progressing is so important, though, I don't know.
I decided to go to Bookmans but it could have been anywhere. I just needed a destination.
I had a dream last night. It was me and Kyle, who I haven't dreamt about since the funeral. I can't remember what it was about. I just remember waking up at seven am. Seven am is the worst, because the sunlight was pours through the lines between my shades and makes my whole room loud and golden. I don't know if I'd mentioned it before, but as close as I've come, I still haven't cried about Kyle.
Mike called me today. None of you know Mike. It's just a name to you. But Mike is still like a brother to me, even if he is half-way dead. Mike introduced me to family crisis, to drugs, to heartache, to struggle, to a number 4 at Carls. Jr, to real companionship, to loyalty, to class differences, to being there for somebody, and to so many other things I can only explain in blips and phrases. He called me today, as he does occasionally, and he wanted to sell me a Dell computer gift card. He got it for free with his computer, which I know only because I helped him order it. But he must've forgotten that. He must've known he wasn't fooling me, that he wanted the money for heroin, and that he knows I know he is slowly killing himself, the way Kyle did, but in a much more seclusionary way. I told him I didn't know anyone who'd want to buy it. He called back twice: Once to ask if I was absolutely sure, and the third time he hung up before I had a chance to answer. I thought to myself, death is a very subjective term.
Note to self: There's nothing you can do.
Neil came into Beaver's today, and he punched his dad in the face today but he wouldn't tell me why. He helped customers even though he doesn't work there anymore. He talked about how he cried when D.L. died even though he was pretty sure D.L. hated him. He said how he wished he'd stayed in Flagstaff, and that he needs heart medication, and that the blue album by Weezer is the Pet Sounds of today, and continued to measure his life by albums, and I told him about my dream with Kyle, and on ... and on... and on...
And I was riding my bike to Bookmans. I was riding through the U of A mall, and "Narcolepsy," by Ben Folds Five, came on my iPod, and all the little links started to melt together, and they connected all at once... Neil and Flagstaff, and Flagstaff and Jessi, and Jessi and myself, Mike and me, and me and Kyle, and Kyle and the funeral, and the dream I had, and the recurring dreams Neil has, and Mike punching his dad in the face, and me standing there not knowing what to do, and Neil punching his dad in the face, and the mental hospital, and Rage Against the Machine, and Ben Folds Five, and Neil, and Flagstaff, and Jessi...
At that moment, I finally almost cried.
The trees just passed. I stared up. I thought to myself, god damn, the trees seem so far away until you see the sky.
When I got to Bookman's I bought three vinyl singles from artists I've never heard before. I was feeling impulsive, which seems to happen a lot these days.
Corey called and said he found something to do.
So I ride my bike back the way I came. Down Second avenue. To University. Stop by Jimmy Johns to see if Keegan is working... nope. Back onto Unversity. God, I'm a riding cliche.
But there I was again. Dead center, in the middle of the U of A mall and something hits me. From nowhere. Really. Jesus Christ, I am alive. I mean, I am ALIVE. Words are so limiting. How far have I come? You don't know. No, I'm serious. You really don't know. I'm trying to sum it up. I texted Jessi, who, depressingly, is still one of the only people who really gets me:
I just wanted to tell you...
I'm riding my bike through the u of a mall right NOW.
And I've Never been happier that I'm ME.
She called and said, "I've never seen you happier, Baby Joel!" A reference to Eternal Sunshine, which will always be our movie. "I wake up every day and tell myself that today is the day I'm going to fall in love again, " she told me a few weeks ago. Tonight, I asked her:
"Did you fall in love today?"
"No, did you?"
"Maybe for a second."
"With who?"
"Nobody."
"Oh! With what, then? Life?"
"Well, I don't want to sound that trite."
I got to the house Corey was at.
There were three girls, two dudes, me, Corey, and a beer pong table.
While the girls were racking their cups, I turned to Corey.
"Corey," I said, "I think I had an epiphany tonight."
"What?"
"I said, I was riding my bike, and listening to my music, and I don't know what it was, man, but I think I had an epiphany."
"Yeah," Corey said, and dipped his ball in the water cup, "I have lots of epiphanys when I'm bored."
I called Corey. Nothing was going on. He said he'd call me back if he found something.
And I was depressed because I didn't do anything last night except sit alone in my apartment and record music.
I sometimes feel guilty for not calling my friends because I more-or-less base the decision of what I do on the odds of me meeting a girl.
I decided to go on a bike ride, which is becoming more and more common for me. I just can't sit around sometimes. I think it has to do with this crazy feeling that if I don't do new things I am not progressing. Why progressing is so important, though, I don't know.
I decided to go to Bookmans but it could have been anywhere. I just needed a destination.
I had a dream last night. It was me and Kyle, who I haven't dreamt about since the funeral. I can't remember what it was about. I just remember waking up at seven am. Seven am is the worst, because the sunlight was pours through the lines between my shades and makes my whole room loud and golden. I don't know if I'd mentioned it before, but as close as I've come, I still haven't cried about Kyle.
Mike called me today. None of you know Mike. It's just a name to you. But Mike is still like a brother to me, even if he is half-way dead. Mike introduced me to family crisis, to drugs, to heartache, to struggle, to a number 4 at Carls. Jr, to real companionship, to loyalty, to class differences, to being there for somebody, and to so many other things I can only explain in blips and phrases. He called me today, as he does occasionally, and he wanted to sell me a Dell computer gift card. He got it for free with his computer, which I know only because I helped him order it. But he must've forgotten that. He must've known he wasn't fooling me, that he wanted the money for heroin, and that he knows I know he is slowly killing himself, the way Kyle did, but in a much more seclusionary way. I told him I didn't know anyone who'd want to buy it. He called back twice: Once to ask if I was absolutely sure, and the third time he hung up before I had a chance to answer. I thought to myself, death is a very subjective term.
Note to self: There's nothing you can do.
Neil came into Beaver's today, and he punched his dad in the face today but he wouldn't tell me why. He helped customers even though he doesn't work there anymore. He talked about how he cried when D.L. died even though he was pretty sure D.L. hated him. He said how he wished he'd stayed in Flagstaff, and that he needs heart medication, and that the blue album by Weezer is the Pet Sounds of today, and continued to measure his life by albums, and I told him about my dream with Kyle, and on ... and on... and on...
And I was riding my bike to Bookmans. I was riding through the U of A mall, and "Narcolepsy," by Ben Folds Five, came on my iPod, and all the little links started to melt together, and they connected all at once... Neil and Flagstaff, and Flagstaff and Jessi, and Jessi and myself, Mike and me, and me and Kyle, and Kyle and the funeral, and the dream I had, and the recurring dreams Neil has, and Mike punching his dad in the face, and me standing there not knowing what to do, and Neil punching his dad in the face, and the mental hospital, and Rage Against the Machine, and Ben Folds Five, and Neil, and Flagstaff, and Jessi...
At that moment, I finally almost cried.
The trees just passed. I stared up. I thought to myself, god damn, the trees seem so far away until you see the sky.
When I got to Bookman's I bought three vinyl singles from artists I've never heard before. I was feeling impulsive, which seems to happen a lot these days.
Corey called and said he found something to do.
So I ride my bike back the way I came. Down Second avenue. To University. Stop by Jimmy Johns to see if Keegan is working... nope. Back onto Unversity. God, I'm a riding cliche.
But there I was again. Dead center, in the middle of the U of A mall and something hits me. From nowhere. Really. Jesus Christ, I am alive. I mean, I am ALIVE. Words are so limiting. How far have I come? You don't know. No, I'm serious. You really don't know. I'm trying to sum it up. I texted Jessi, who, depressingly, is still one of the only people who really gets me:
I just wanted to tell you...
I'm riding my bike through the u of a mall right NOW.
And I've Never been happier that I'm ME.
She called and said, "I've never seen you happier, Baby Joel!" A reference to Eternal Sunshine, which will always be our movie. "I wake up every day and tell myself that today is the day I'm going to fall in love again, " she told me a few weeks ago. Tonight, I asked her:
"Did you fall in love today?"
"No, did you?"
"Maybe for a second."
"With who?"
"Nobody."
"Oh! With what, then? Life?"
"Well, I don't want to sound that trite."
I got to the house Corey was at.
There were three girls, two dudes, me, Corey, and a beer pong table.
While the girls were racking their cups, I turned to Corey.
"Corey," I said, "I think I had an epiphany tonight."
"What?"
"I said, I was riding my bike, and listening to my music, and I don't know what it was, man, but I think I had an epiphany."
"Yeah," Corey said, and dipped his ball in the water cup, "I have lots of epiphanys when I'm bored."
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Three Cartoons
Drawn specifically for Pima Community College's newspaper, the Aztec Press.
They are esoteric.
Click to see the full toon.
Issue 1
Issue 2
Issue 3
They are esoteric.
Click to see the full toon.
Issue 1
Issue 2
Issue 3
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