Tuesday, April 21, 2009



Okay, maybe it's just coincidence. Or maybe I just have enough arguments in my head that the odds of it popping up are high.

The first time:
There was a show at Dry River. No one I knew was going to be there, for sure. But I decided to go anyway. That may not seem big to you, but I don't usually take my chances socially like that. It was on the back of a truck on Speedway right before I turned onto Main Street.

The second time:
I decided to go to Flagstaff, once again, and stay with my friend Gary. I also was visiting Jessi, which was probably a bad decision. But I wanted to see what NAU University life was like, kind of. And I had to get the hell out of my apartment. But there it was, facing me dead on, stuck on the truck I parked next to the second I arrived in Flagstaff.

The third time (tonight):
I sat in my apartment looking at Monty Python videos on YouTube and realized I wasn't going to get any of my math homework done. No, I'm not going to fail math again. Not a fourth time. But it's already 9:30. Maybe if I ride my bike to the U of A library I can get it done there. If I ride my bike I can get some exercise and be stuck there and HAVE to do it. But no, I'd have to ride back at least by 2:30am. That can't be safe, not in this town. People get hurt. But I can't fail. And fuck that, no, I refuse to live in fear. This is my city, too. I have to force myself to do it. It's the right thing to do. And I really can't fail. But I woke up so early this morning. I'll be too exhausted to take the test tomorrow. But... That's it, I'm doing it.

And when I got to the library, I sat down, and there it was again, sitting right in front of me, glaring, on the back of some dude's laptop:


It follows me.

I must be crazy.
There must be a pattern. No.
It's definitely chance. But if it's chance I should probably stop thinking about it.
But two of the three times they were on trucks.
And two of the three times they were at universities.
Two of the three times they had to do with my social life.
Two of the three times they had to do with my academic life.
But three of the three times have all been after I have answered myself this question: Well, should I fucking do it, or what?

I don't know why, but at that moment I decided to text as many people as I could think of and ask what they were thinking at that moment. Responses:

"I love this video. I'm so happy."
"Grandpas are mean."
"I wonder why Martha Stewart never gets asked much about prison by talk show hosts."
"I'm sort of dating this guy. I'm thinking about him."
"Thinkin about talkin to this girl."
"What jewelry to wear to my wedding."
"I was thinking about setting Twitter up on my phone."
"My grandpa was a drunk but I love him."

Does that have anything to do with anything?
Probably not.
But... I don't know.
I'm going to sleep.

Monday, April 6, 2009

A Small Discovery

The summer after I got out of the Ranch I made the only mistake I still regret. A video camera case full of old video tapes, tapes taken from 5th grade to my Junior year of high school, were stolen from the closet at my dad's house. I regret not protecting those tapes like my dear life depended on it. Growing up, I was always the kid with the video camera capturing every moment of my upbringing - from my first movies with action figures, to the first time Tony and I got caught smoking pot, to me running around my backyard on mushrooms - I tried to capture everything.

While I was at the Ranch, in order to graduate, we had to progress through a series of four different levels. To make it to the next level, we had to give a presentation reflecting the progression of our recovery. For my Level 4 presentation, I decided to edit together a movie of a typical high school night for me. From the old camera bag, I stumbled upon a tape of one single Friday night, recorded mostly from my perspective, though I do appear for a few seconds here and there...

Well, I was browsing through an old hard drive of mine tonight and came across that very video. It is the only existing footage from that bag of tapes. I was stunned in a way. I had forgotten how different things had been. I mean, there are friends of mine who are already dead in it. Gosh, it didn't even seem that long ago. The video starts off with my good friend Keegan and I, sitting in the room Robby and I shared at my dad's house. Robby and Jessica are playing Mario Kart. We leave to go to Gray's. Then Mike's. Robby gives me money to buy him liquor. Back to Gray's. We steal Robby's alcohol. Back to my house. Back to Gray's...

I think the most amazing part of the video is it shows the natural deterioration of the night. It starts off kind of fun, aside me being depressed about Jessica... but then everybody gets so fucked up they start yelling at each other. It's kind of sad, really. The whole video ends with my friend Scott giving a monologue, which he used to do a lot, and shows the backward-ass justification of why we all did what we did...

Anyway. I was kind of blown away. I thought I would share it with you. That's what blogs are for, after all, right? Anyway. Here you go:

Two More Toons

Gosh, I love Pima.